The following are lessons I learned the hard way. The goal of this article is to help you avoid some of the pitfalls I’ve experienced in my life so you don’t have to suffer the pain I’ve had to endure.
1. Don’t Let Hate Takeover – Drop the Hate: Love Your Enemies Anyway
When I was at school, there was this guy I couldn’t stand because when I was riding my bike in town, he and someone else I disliked grabbed me when I was on my bike and tried to scare me by putting some knuckle dusters or something sharp to my face ( I forget what it was, but they grabbed my neck).
Strangely enough, a few years later, he moved to my school, saw me, and shook my hand.
A Similar Thing Happened
I had an ex-girlfriend who was attached to
me despite the relationship ending.
I was in the local pub with friends, and despite her having a new boyfriend, she still came up to see me.
The new boyfriend didn’t like what was going on ( as I was also talking to my ex in front of her new boyfriend).
The night came to an end, and I was walking home around midnight.
All of a sudden, my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend and his brother and friend drove towards me, got out of a car, and attacked me in the street.
I had a big lump on my head the next day.
A few years later, I met the brother of my ex-girlfriend’s partner in the gym.
He shook my hand, and everything was hunky dory.
The Moral Of The Story
I hold no grudges against anyone.
Holding grudges is spiritually corrosive and will wreak havoc on your soul.
Nothing beneficial can come from holding grudges.
Jesus says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
— Matthew 5:44
Say it with me: I love my enemies.’
Doesn’t that feel freeing?
2. Don’t Let Pride Get In The Way, Humility First: You’re Better Than No One
A few years ago, I thought I was invincible.
I would:
Binge drink, lift super heavy weights, smoked on occasions.
But then I lifted too heavy after having COVID and got an inflammatory condition in the cartilage in my chest called costochondritis.
I went to the doctors for a scan of my chest and stomach to rule out any serious diseases.
They didn’t find anything serious.
But They Did Find Out I Was Only Born With One Kidney
Oh boy, was I shocked when I found this out.
I no longer felt invincible; I felt human.
This realisation brought me down to earth, and I thought:
“There’s nothing special about me”.
Having one kidney isn’t a big deal; about 1 in 500 people are born with one kidney.
I No Longer Make Crazy, Reckless Decisions And Now Maintain My Humility
You and I tend to think “ nothing bad will happen to me”.
This is arrogance in the highest sense.
Lady Fortuna is indiscriminate.
She aims at you and me alike.
All you can do is patiently wait for her and stay humble in the meantime.
The Bible says:
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
— Proverbs 16:18
Staying Humble Means Realising You And I Are Human And Have Limits
Practice humility by:
- Reading good books because you don’t know everything.
- Ask for others’ opinions. You don’t always know best.
- Understand your weaknesses.
- Don’t look for external praise.
- Bear in mind your limits as a human.
- Avoid reckless behaviour.
- Go to therapy.
3. Don’t Let Anger Take Over – Master Your Anger Before It Masters You
I’ve never told anyone this before, but at certain times in my life, I’ve had an awful temper.
When one of my ex-girlfriends cheated on me, I punched a hole in my bedroom wall ( around 10 years ago).
I’m not proud of it and deeply regret doing this.
I’ve punched about three different walls in my life, and the concrete wall was my most formidable opponent, but all walls left me thoroughly defeated.
The lesson: control your emotions and use healthy outlets to express them.
I express my emotions in healthy ways now by writing, working out, and going for walks.
I still lose my temper a bit sometimes, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be, so I’ve made no more reckless decisions like punching walls.
4. Don’t Gamble, Gambling Isn’t a Game—Avoid the Trap
I’ve never fallen into the addiction of gambling, but I’ve seen how it can affect people.
One of my friends saved up around £ 1,000 for a holiday.
He lost all this money gambling, and I believe he had to borrow money for his holiday.
The Science Of Gambling Addiction
When you gamble, the feeling of winning money releases dopamine ( a feel-good chemical) to your brain.
People who are addicted to gambling are addicted to this feeling.
All addiction follows this same vicious cycle. For example, when someone is addicted to porn or drugs, when you watch porn, dopamine is released to your brain, or when you smoke cigarettes, they give you a dopamine hit, so you come back for more (it’s the same with fast food).
5. Never Have A One-Night Stand – Skip the One-Night Stands & Porn: Choose Depth Over Dopamine
I’ve been in three romantic relationships in my life.
And with all them I’ve had lust in my heart.
Because of this, I’ve ended up getting in relationships with women who looked good but didn’t match my values at all.
When I get into my next relationship, I want it to be 100% out of love and not lust.
The Hollowness Of Having A One-Night Stand
Years ago, I was on a night out in Newcastle, UK, and ended up having a one-night stand.
It was the most pointless thing ever, and I told her I’d go on a date with her (when I never was going to).
I felt awful and, from that day, vowed never to have another one-night stand.
Porn Fuels Lust
In the UK, around 51% of men watch porn frequently ( in contrast to only 15% of women).
I have to admit I’ve been addicted to porn at certain times in my life, and it’s the most addictive thing I’ve ever encountered.
Porn gives people the wrong idea about sex.
Porn makes sex about lust.
Whereas sex is really about Love.
6. Don’t Get Drunk—Protect Your Judgment (and Your Life)
Getting drunk has resulted in me fighting with friends.
Getting drunk has caused me to blackout and walk across the Tyne bridge ( I think) without having any realisation of it- I’m surprised I didn’t fall off the bridge.
Getting drunk has resulted in me being awful to people whom I love the most.
The Remedy = Self-Control
Self-control is one of the most essential virtues in Stoicism, akin to the virtue of temperance in Catholicism.
The fact is, if you lose control of yourself, bad things happen.
Drunkenness is the easiest way to diminish self-control ( especially if you black out like I have many times).
7. Don’t Choose Looks Over Love – Attraction Isn’t Enough: Build on Shared Values
The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung said, “A beautiful woman is a terrible thing”.
A beautiful woman is a Trojan horse:
In the story of Troy, the Trojans (who were in a war with the Greeks), who thought they had won the war, accepted a gift from the Greeks, which was a large wooden horse, but little did they know that a group of elite warriors were hidden in the horse. The city of Troy celebrated its victory the same night it received the Trojan horse. After the celebrations ended, the elite Greek warriors sprang from the wooden horse and ransacked the town, opened the gates to let other Greek soldiers in, and won the war.
A beautiful woman may not always have your best interests at heart, but because she is beautiful, you let your defences down, and once they have you in the palm of their hand, they start to show their real intentions, and those intentions might not be what’s best for you.
The same can be true when a woman encounters a handsome man.
8. Don’t Choose Sin – Choose Virtue Over Sin Every Time
I’ve already mentioned the virtue of self-control, which is crucial to leading the best possible lives.
Other important virtues are:
Courage – putting your neck on the line even when you’re scared- for the common good, to help others.
I used to be scared to post articles and write, but now I do it no matter what, because I know that, no matter what anyone thinks of my writing, I’m here to help others.
Justice – treating people how they deserve to be treated.
I used to spend time with people who didn’t have my best interests at heart.
And because they weren’t good for me, why should I give them my friendship?
Yet if someone is good to me they deserve to be treated well.
Honesty- don’t try to be anyone other than yourself.
Don’t lie (apart from white lies).
Most importantly, be honest with yourself.
9. Avoid All Evil In Yourself – Aim for Sainthood, Not Satisfaction
Say what you want about Christianity, but I think one of the wisest pieces of advice is a Christian truth.
That truth is:
‘The goal of life is to become a saint. ’
In essence, this means we should aim to live virtuous lives.
The Stoics also believed in leading virtuous lives.
You can’t go wrong practising the four aforementioned virtues, which, to repeat, are:
- Self-control
- Courage
- Justice
- Honesty
10. Don’t Waste Your Life – Never Forget: Life Is a Gift
You and I didn’t need to be on this earth, but we are.
Think of all the people who are sadly no longer on this earth – who wished they were.
Every day, you and I should wake up in awe of this seemingly perfect world (the only planet with complex life in the universe we’ve found).
But we don’t.
And that’s why we need to make an effort to remind ourselves that everyday life is a gift.
When I don’t keep this fact in mind, I start taking life for granted and stop making the most of every day.
Learn from my mistakes.
And don’t forget.
Life is the greatest gift of all.
I share ideas that challenge how you think and help you grow — all for free.
Subscribe to my newsletter here: henrypaget.substack.com
Enjoying the content? Once you’re subscribed, you can support my work directly inside the newsletter to help keep it free for everyone.
henrypaget.com 