The other day, I came across a question on Quora about how to get rid of the feeling of being jealous and envious, and in reality, it’s impossible to get rid of it completely, but it is possible to manage feelings of jealousy and envy and actually use them to take you forward.
How I deal with Jealousy and envy
I try to look at jealousy in a positive manner. For example, if I’m jealous or envious, I know my body is telling me what I value in someone else.
For example, I’m jealous and envious of a lot of writers, which tells me I want to be like them.
So many people lose track of what things they value in life; jealousy and envy can actually tell us what we value and serve a helpful function.
Jealousy and envy also give me motivation
When I’m jealous or envious, I want something someone else has, whether it’s a similar level of erudition or a career like theirs.
I think to myself when I feel envious: if these people can achieve amazing things, then why can’t I?
Because no one is uniquely special, and we all pretty much have equal opportunity in the West.
This brings to mind some wisdom by Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius:
“Not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it too.”
Whenever I’m jealous or envious of someone, I try to remember Marcus’s advice.
What happens when you can’t turn jealousy into a positive force to take you forward?
If you find your jealousy and envy are becoming toxic, then I recommend you practice gratitude.
When jealousy really affects us, we feel inferior to others and as if we are lacking in our lives.
To prevent feeling this way, I recommend making a note of five things you are grateful for every day.
For example, five things I’m grateful for are:
- My health.
- A roof over my head.
- The ability to write content online and help people.
- Money in the bank.
- Having a job I enjoy.
You see, when we’re really grateful for what we have, we don’t feel like we lack anything.
Look at all the amazing things you have in your life and how upset you’d be if you didn’t have them
Most of us in the world are living better now than humans ever have. Most of us have clean drinking water, a roof over our heads, a family that loves us and more opportunities to succeed beyond our wildest dreams than ever before in history.
Compare the perks of today compared to times gone by, and you’ll realise you’re living in a world of abundance and opportunity.
Use jealousy and envy to give yourself a kick up the backside
I see many of my friends in happy romantic relationships with their partners, some of them are even married and have kids.
And truth be told, I’m jealous of them because I’d like to have a wife and kids of my own someday, whenever I find the right woman.
When I see my friends doing well in life, I think “Wow, I really need to sort my life out.” So I use this bittersweet feeling of jealousy to drive me forward and become better (at least I try to).
And even with my writing, some of the writers I look up to are extremely prolific, and when I see them writing for years on end and never giving up their craft, I’m jealous of them, and I use this fact as motivation to become a more prolific writer and never stop practising my craft.
One of the downsides of Jealousy, even when you use it in a healthy way, is that comparison will steal your joy
I remember reading a story about former Metallica member Dave Mustaine, who, after getting sacked by Metallica, formed the band Megadeth and could never be happy. Even though his band was ultra successful, it wasn’t enough for him because jealousy and resentment tore him apart, because no matter how successful he was going to be, his band would never be as successful as Metallica and never was.
God/ the universe has a plan for you
You have been put on this planet for a mission to fulfil something only you can. Use jealousy to drive you forward if you can, but never lose yourself in it. Because I know it’s trite to say, but I’m going to say it anyway:
It’s only you against you; all that matters is that you’re getting a tiny bit better and closer towards your goal every day, because doing this will result in huge improvements in the long run. A bit like how compound interest in your investments can give you a sizeable nest egg in the long run, compounding your skills has the same effect.
Another way to think about jealousy
If you’re jealous because someone has everything you want in life. Yes, you’re jealous of what they’ve achieved, but are you jealous of who they are?
For example, someone can seem like they have everything on the surface, but in reality, they feel awful spiritually, they have no friends, and when you look at their life, it’s really not enviable at all.
You can’t live any other life than the one you’re living now, so make yours a good one. You can’t swap your life for someone else’s, and would you really like to be someone else if you could? I wouldn’t. I’m happy being me, and I’m guessing you’re happy being you, and if you’re not, do something about it.
Stay away from Jealous people
We generally adopt behaviours and attitudes from the people we spend the most time with, and when I had an ex-girlfriend who was easily roused to jealousy, it made me slightly more roused to it, although nowhere near as much as how jealous and envious she was.
I’ll tell you a quick story to show you how far jealousy and envy can go when not controlled healthily.
A couple of years ago, when I was in a shopping centre with my ex-girlfriend, I looked at an advertisement board with a petite woman on it, and I said to my ex girlfriend, “Shes too skinny” and her reaction was one of rage and uproar she whacked me in the chest and looked at me as if she was going to kill me.
This was the first of many incidents like this. When the relationship ended, my spirit felt at peace again, and that feeling has never left. The lesson is to only get in relationships and friendships with people who make you feel at peace spiritually, because if they don’t make you feel spiritually at peace, they will almost certainly degrade you.
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