I wasn’t initially going to write this article. I had something else in mind. But I felt so compelled to write this that I couldn’t stop myself from doing so.
But before I get into the meat and potatoes of this article, I want to say thank you to my two paid subscribers, who give me so much encouragement and motivation to continue writing, and as a whole, thank you to all my subscribers, you are all, as we say in North East England, “Legends”.
Recently, I’ve been getting stressed about finding the right partner
Two weeks ago, I matched with this amazing Catholic woman on the dating app Hinge, and she seemed perfect. She was exactly what I was looking for in a partner.
We spoke on the phone for maybe 4 or 5 hours across the week, then we went for a meal together.
And I had a nice time, but I was talking way too much and rambling on about myself. I went against my own advice: I have two ears and one mouth, so I should listen twice as much as I speak.
I knew I was breaking my own rules of social conduct, but I couldn’t control my tongue, and I knew I ended up rambling on about silly things.
But anyway, a couple of days after our date, I was meant to be calling her, but she texted me saying that she wasn’t attracted to me spiritually and as a whole, so the phone call never happened.
This hurt because no one likes rejection, and I thought I found a unicorn because out of all the people I’ve dated and been in relationships with, I’ve never come across anyone like her.
But I respect her boundaries and wishes, and I actually appreciate her honesty, which tells me where I need to improve.
Because truth be told, I’m in the process of becoming Catholic, and spiritually, I have been feeling better going to church every Saturday, but the woman I went on a date with has been Catholic her whole life and is deeply involved in the church.
So even though I have grown spiritually, what I learned from meeting her was that I have a lot of spiritual growth yet to be realised before I can attract someone like her. Which is fine because embarking on this spiritual journey will only make me happier and a better person.
I’ve started going to church mass as much as possible
Every time I go to church mass, I feel better for it spiritually, so by only going to mass once per week, I’m leaving a lot of spiritual gains on the table.
So now I’m trying to go to mass daily (my current streak is 4 days in a row).
And I’m feeling much better, and I’ve stopped being so focused on finding a partner. I know that if I work on my spiritual health, everything else will fall in place, even my romantic relationships.
The strange thing that happened
I recently joined a new gym, and I looked up and in front of me was one of my ex-girlfriends, in fact, the first ever girlfriend I had when I was 16 years old, and the relationship ended really badly.
She said “Hi”, and I said, “Hi back”. I felt like I saw a ghost. I was lost for words and left the gym shortly after (I finished my workout anyway).
I will say I wish my ex-girlfriend, whom I saw all the best, if she ever reads this.
But I think seeing her is God’s or the universe’s way of telling me something.
I think I bumped into my ex-girlfriend to make me realise how badly that relationship went, and to remember not to worry about relationships because when you rush into them, they never end well, as I’ve experienced.
I think God was telling me, “Henry, don’t worry about finding a partner. Remember how bad your relationship with your ex-girlfriend went? I will see to it that you meet the right person when the time is right. Be patient.”
And this is how I make sense of the encounter.
The reason why it was strange was that I hadn’t seen this ex-girlfriend in around 10 years.
But I do believe in God/ some universal force and that everything happens for a reason, because what’s the alternative? To believe everything is meaningless? I’d rather try to make sense of it all as best I can.
So to drive the point home, I’ve learned from being rejected that I need to grow spiritually if I really want to make the most out of my life/ attract the right people into my life. And I’ll try my best to grow spiritually by going to Catholic mass as much as possible and putting into practice what I learn from Biblical teachings. And I won’t rush into finding a partner because I know that doing that in the past has only got me into trouble.
Thank you for reading, dear subscriber.
If you need help with anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Toodle-oo for now
-Henry
Get my best essays delivered every Thursday. Join 212+ readers for free:henrypaget.substack.com
In my own life, I’ve discovered that committing myself to people who haven’t been good for me has caused me many problems.
In my teens, I had a group of friends who liked to smoke weed. When I would go out with them, it was all they’d ever do.
Going out to sit in remote places and smoke weed was not something I could see myself doing.
So what did I do? I stopped associating with these so-called friends. They weren’t good for me, and engaging with these types of people only made me a worse and less effective person.
I said no to going out with these friends. I broke off my friendship commitment, which was the right thing to do.
Committing To The Wrong Spouse
In my first relationship in high school, my girlfriend snooped around my back and talked to and met up with her ex ( doing things with him sexually that I won’t go into detail about).
I committed to the wrong person, and ending this relationship gave me more power over my life.
In my second relationship, several years later, I again was with the wrong person, and her happiness depended on how much I spent on her.
Again, when I left this relationship, I had more power over my life.
Finally, my last relationship that ended several months ago was tough.
There was a lot of emotional abuse going on. She would isolate me from my friends and go into my phone behind my back and not respect my boundaries at all. She was so intense about not respecting my boundaries that it felt like I could hardly breathe.
When this relationship ended, I went from having no agency over my life to having absolute power over it.
I’m Not Saying Don’t Commit To Anyone Ever
But what I am saying is only commit to people whom you trust.
Trust is something that develops over time.
If you and I became friends for a couple of years, and I always did what I said I would do, and I was always a good friend and a helpful hand during difficult times, then I’m guessing you would trust me quite a bit.
What I’m Planning On Doing Before I Commit To Another Romantic Relationship
I want to build a strong platonic relationship with someone first.
I want her to respect my boundaries.
I want us to get on well emotionally and intellectually.
I want us to genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
Only when these criteria are satisfied will I even think about a romantic relationship.
Ideally, I want a romantic relationship to ensue as a byproduct of a strong platonic friendship.
Because that’s what true romantic love is.
A lifelong friendship.
Committing To The Wrong Spouse, Friends, Or Even Job Can Have Disastrous Consequences
Committing to the wrong spouse can cause divorce.
Committing to the wrong friend group can bring you down to their subpar level. It’s better to be friends with people who are actively trying to be better; this will rub off on you.
Committing to the wrong job can cause depression and neuroses.
How To Not Commit To The Wrong People And Things
Say no.
But this only works if you have something better to focus on, something more worthwhile.
“Writer Justine Musk reminds us that in order to say no with consistency and generosity, we need to have something to say “yes” to. “ – Seth Godin.
I’ll give you an example of what I say yes to that helps me say no to the wrong people and things.
I say yes to reading good literature and writing ( hence why I’m writing this blog post).
I say yes to my family and friends, whom I greatly love.
I don’t have a big family. I mainly only see my mam and dad, and sometimes my sister and I have two or three close friends.
I say yes to working out and going on walks.
What I say yes to is the foundation that enables me to say no to the wrong things.
The goal is to say yes to the right things so you don’t say yes to the wrong things.
Whatever doesn’t align with your specially chosen goals should be a no.
The Bottom Line
Don’t commit to the wrong people or things in life. Be wise; don’t rush into commitments. Only commit to people who have earned your trust and favour and whom you truly respect and admire. If you’re in doubt about making a commitment, don’t make it. It’s better to have no commitments than to have the wrong commitments. To be committed to the wrong things is to relinquish a degree of power over your life.
Click here to join my 5-bullet Friday newsletter. Every Friday, I share five thoughts, insights, quotes, products, recommendations, etc. that have helped me and might also help you.
Deadlift. Nothing strengthens the body and mind more than a heavy set of deadlifts.
Read about people who have suffered through tough times; you’ll learn valuable lessons about how they coped. My favourite book that depicts this point is Man’s Search for Meaning by Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl.
Look after your body. Healthy body, healthy mind. Where the body goes, the mind will follow. Work out, eat well, sleep well, etc. We’re all pretty fucked, we have our trauma and weaknesses in life but being healthy makes everything easier and being unhealthy makes life a struggle. Choose impeccable health.
Say no to instant gratification. In the famous marshmallow test study, kids were asked if they would like to eat the marshmallow upon being given the chance, and they also had the option to postpone eating it, which would allow them to eat another marshmallow later. Once these kids were followed up later (as adults), the kids who delayed instant gratification did much better and achieved much more in their lives than those who opted for instant gratification. Say no to porn. Say no to the doughnut. Say no to lying in. You get the point.
Read more, you’ll become more erudite. You’ll learn wisdom from great literature passed down through the millennia. You’ll learn time-tested heuristics to help you make sense of this complex world, which will forge your mind to diamond-grade strength.
Take a chill pill. Reduce your stress levels by doing breathing exercises, meditation, etc. Also, turn off the news that sensationalised garbage will curse your soul. Most news is fake news.
Reach out to friends. Regardless of who you are, you need a support network. Isolation kills. No man Is an island.
Go to therapy. I’ve been going to therapy for several months, and it’s helping me more than I ever thought it could. I’d urge everyone to go as early in their lives as possible. It enables you to deal with your trauma, and most of all, it helps you know yourself.
To Become Mentally Strong: Avoid Becoming Mentally Weak.
So, how do you become mentally weak?
You lack integrity and aren’t honest with yourself or others. This is a fragile way to be because part of self-mastery is being honest with yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with? If you aren’t honest with yourself, you’ll end up living someone else’s life. But if you’re honest with yourself, you can dictate your life to be what you want for yourself and your uniqueness, which is one of the cornerstones of a meaningful life.
Lacks self-control. Publilius Syrus once said, “Would you have a great empire? Rule over yourself”. The key to progress in the outside world is winning first at the inner game. First, rule over yourself. Then, as a byproduct, you’ll succeed in the outside world.
You can’t expand your time horizons. If you can’t plan a worthwhile goal for yourself that you might accomplish in ten or twenty years (e.g., a business, life goal, etc.), then I’m sorry, but you’re probably living for short-term instant gratification, e.g., junk food, porn, shitty TV, etc. The most meaningful things in life take work. But it’s the work that makes them meaningful.
Masking is something I’ve done my whole life by taking on the traits and mannerisms of the people around me to fit in; in other words, it’s adhering to the herd mentality. If you do this long enough, your subconscious will eventually resist, and it manifested to me as tiredness, anxiety, and depression. And now I don’t want to be anyone other than my best self. If people don’t like who that is. Fuck em.
They lack structure and routine. To do great things in this world, you must live consistently. It’s hard to squeeze the pith out of life when you’re sleeping in until noon most days. Have a consistent time you sleep and wake, and plan your life around it.
Delete their number, old pictures and text messages. If they want to contact you they will let you know.
Become the best version of yourself, you’ll naturally attract better potential partners if you’re trying to improve yourself. No one wants to be in a relationship with a loser.
Dont be needy, sometimes when you come out of a relationship, you feel downtrodden and because of this you may feel like getting straight back into another relationship is the answer. Its not. Be careful who you pick as your spouse. Be sure to go out with them because you want to not because you feel lacking emotionally.
Feel whatever emotions you have deeply they will eventually pass.
Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy when you are engaged in hobbies you enjoy you wont feel sad or lonely because you’ll be enthralled in what you’re doing.
Get out of the house, exercise or take a walk. Too often when we stay in the house and ponder things we ruminate and it makes us feel worse. Get outside and blow those cobwebs of the mind away.
Spend time with friends and family, there’s no better feeling than having a good laugh with friends and family it will pull you out of your slump.
Read. When we read we stop focusing on our thoughts and feelings and instead focus on the words on a page, reading helps me get in a trace sort of state, it’s saved me more times than I can remember. No matter what happens in my life I know I have good books to read. So I’ll be happy.
Be Happy They’re Gone
You had some good times.
You had some memories that will last forever.
They were just part of one chapter in your life.
And although you may have loved each other.
You didn’t love each other enough.
And that’s okay.
When my romantic relationships have ended in the past.
Especially when I’ve been the one getting dumped.
I’ve blamed myself.
Thoughts like these have came to mind:
Was it that thing I did or didn’t do that caused her to break up with me?
Why wasn’t I good enough?
Maybe I’ll just be single forever.
Where instead it’s more practical to:
Take what you can from the relationship experience, and if you feel you made mistakes, apply the lessons learned to future relationships.
Ensure you don’t blame yourself. If the relationship was going to work, it would have. And all relationships go through challenges. If your relationship ended at the first sign of challenges, then it was never the right relationship.
Make sure you carefully screen through future potential partners.
It’s very unlikely that the first person you date after breaking up with your ex will be the one.
You might meet your dream spouse on the first date of newly being single or the 100th.
It doesn’t really matter.
But what does matter is having no doubts about making someone your girlfriend.
Or boyfriend depending on your gender or sexual orientation.
Screening for the right partner is crucial.
You need to be very serious about screening your future potential partner.
Because if you don’t it could cause many issues in the future.
The most important thing to have with your spouse is not love.
Its compatibility.
If you’re not compatible with your spouse the relationship will eventually end.
For example, to be compatible with your spouse, you must have similar worldviews and values (if you’re religious, then sharing the same religion is vital).
Love Is A Choice
The key to lasting relationships is the shared commitment to making the decision to love one another unconditionally.
When love is conditional, i.e. based on whether you have x amount of money or x car or x size penis, it’s the worst love of all.
There’s a reason that many rich and famous athletes and celebrities choose to stay in a relationship with their high school sweethearts.
It’s because they know their spouse’s love is genuine and unconditional.
They loved each other when they were at their worst.
And now they love each other when they’re at their best.
As a rule of thumb: if you’re willing to love someone through the good times you need to be just as accepting and loving to them through the bad times ( which is often much more difficult).
The true test of one’s character is how they respond to challenges.
Do they rise to the occasion?
Or do they lose hope and give up?
We need to be the type of people who turns challenges into triumphs.
And this is the type of spouse we should look for as well.
Whatever happens in your life.
Try to respond to it like you chose life to happen that way.
It’s a much more helpful way of dealing with the world and people.
We need to be aware of specific laws of human nature because not being aware of them can cause us problems.
Human nature can be ugly. But it can also be used to our advantage.
The first step is awareness.
Here are the 18 laws: in brackets is my description of the laws.
Master your emotional self (develop emotional intelligence).
Transform self-love into empathy ( Get into the minds of others).
See through people’s masks (look beyond the surface). ( A kitchen may seem tidy, but the cupboards can be a mess. First impressions can be misleading).
Determine the strength of people’s character ( how they respond in difficult times is a good way to test their character).
Become an Elusive object to desire.
Elevate your perspective ( be objective and see things how they are).
Soften people’s resistance by confirming their self-opinion.
Change your circumstances by changing your attitude (mindset is everything).
Confront your dark side.
Beware the fragile ego.
Know your limits.
Reconnect to the masculine or feminine within you.
Advance with a sense of purpose (know where you’re going).
Resist the downward pull of the group (beware of the crabs in the bucket mentality; the gravest sin a crab can make is to escape the bucket).
Make them want to follow you (lead by example).
See the hostility behind the friendly facade (beware of the Trojan horse).
Seize the historical moment (exploit opportunities, the biggest of all being the internet).
Meditate on our common mortality (realise deeply that you can die at any moment and let this thought push you to squeeze the juice out of life).
I will focus on the takeaways I’ve saved from the book that had the most significant impact on me.
1.”What if we could look deep inside and judge people’s character, avoiding the bad hires and personal relationships that cause us so much emotional damage?”
Robert talks about the fact that people have two sides to them: their true selves and the facade they want to show you. Because most people seem pleasant at first, they say all the right things.
Anyone can put on a facade. We need to judge a person’s character deeply before getting involved with them romantically or professionally.
In my last relationship, my ex seemed amazing at first. She knew exactly what to say to get me on her side. I should have seen the red flags when she said she loved me more than anything after two weeks. No one falls for someone this easily. She only showed me affection and gave me words of affirmation because she knew that I’d like it. In essence, she did it to influence me. She wasn’t honest at all about what she was saying. She loved bombed me.
The love bombing got worse, and I was slowly manipulated even more to the point I was with her almost 24/7, and she would be upset if I said I wanted my own space. She even tried to stop me from going out with my friends. The relationship ended badly, but it was the best thing that could have happened, although it caused a lot of pain and suffering.
All of the pain and suffering could have been avoided if I had really tried to judge her character before getting intimate with her.
So my takeaway is this: Be very careful who you choose to spend your life with or who you hire (especially for a highly responsible role). Choosing the right person has a huge upside, but choosing the wrong person can be detrimental.
2. “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels … I myself become the wounded person.” –Walt Whitman
It is human nature to be narcissistic and self-centred. But what’s the best response to this? To turn that into empathy for others, focus on helping others instead of only yourself.
That’s why I write and give to charity.
Helping others is the primary reason we’re on this earth, in my opinion.
We need to see things from others’ points of view and empathise with them.
It’s the most human thing to do.
Recently, I started going to therapy.
My therapist listened. She deeply understood where I was coming from and how abnormal some of the things I dealt with growing up were.
One example of this was the fact that my mum had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since I was three to when I was a teenager, and I always found it challenging to get to grips with (being without a mother for a long period during my formative years, although I still love my mum a lot and know she couldn’t help it).
My therapist empathised with me; it was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.
I felt recognised and heard.
A good friend can also do this. I do have some friends with whom I can discuss these issues.
The key is to love your neighbour like yourself.
I recommend everyone try therapy to see if it helps them; it definitely helps me. I may write an article about therapy at some point.
3. “At last I have what I wanted. Am I happy? Not really. But what’s missing? My soul no longer has that piquant activity conferred by desire … Oh, we shouldn’t delude ourselves—pleasure isn’t in the fulfillment, but in the pursuit. “—Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais
Whatever goal we choose, we must be internally motivated to achieve it. For example, I mostly read and write only about things that interest me, and that could help others.
I don’t pursue things that bore me. Otherwise, it would be impossible to pursue them.
I like Charles Bukowski’s advice on this. He says that to be a good writer, you shouldn’t have to try.
And I understand what he means.
By the same token, procrastination so often demonised can be helpful.
When we procrastinate, our bodies and minds tell us to stay away from things that bore us.
We need to listen to ourselves. Don’t bypass what your body and mind are trying to tell you.
Suppose we pursue what we are interested in out of curiosity and enjoyment. In that case, no matter how successful or unsuccessful we are in the pursuit, it won’t matter because we’ll have found enjoyment in it.
For many people, writing is a chore.
But for me, writing and reading are their own rewards.
4.”With relationships, we can spend our life searching for the perfect man or woman and end up largely alone. There is nobody perfect. Instead, it is better to come to terms with the flaws of the other person and accept them or even find some charm in their weaknesses.”
As I’ve already mentioned, choosing the right spouse is extremely important.
But remember, we’re all deeply flawed individuals.
You and I have our faults, as will our spouse or future spouse.
The key is to determine what we’re willing to put up with.
If someone has a goofy nature that some look down upon but you think is quite sweet, great.
It is better to look for the good in every person.
But some things are completely unacceptable.
i.e. emotional and physical abuse.
Sorry to state the obvious.
5. “In the end what you really must covet is a deeper relationship to reality, which will bring you calmness, focus, and practical powers to alter what it is possible to alter.”
It’s essential to deal with the world as it is rather than how you want it to be.
Maybe things haven’t gone your way in the past, and you resent the world for it.
Sometimes, I ponder on how I wish things were different.
But it’s not practical to think like this.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
This is the best way to approach life.
6. “The years teach much which the days never know.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
What skill do you want to master? Maybe it’s writing, maybe it’s powerlifting, maybe it’s playing an instrument, or even becoming a Grandmaster at chess.
You won’t achieve anything in a matter of days, but progress is almost certain in years and decades.
Some other quotes that I made notes of:
“On dealing with people with a hostile attitude- In dealing with the extremes of this type, struggle as best you can to not respond with the antagonism they expect. Maintain your neutrality. This will confound them and temporarily put a stop to the game they are playing.”
When we react, we relinquish power. When we maintain self-control, we are most powerful.
“The best way to handle recurrent depression is to channel your energies into work, especially the arts. You are used to withdrawing and being alone; use such time to tap into your unconscious. Externalise your unusual sensitivity and your dark feelings into the work itself.”
Expression is the opposite of depression.
“You do not need to be so humble and self-effacing in this world. Such humility is not a virtue but is rather a value that people promote to help keep you down. Whatever you are doing now, you are in fact capable of much more, and by thinking that, you will create a very different dynamic.”
To get notified when I post, join my newsletter, click here.
1. Good Quality Sleep Is Everything. Have A Good Sleep Routine So You Don’t Have To Endure Days, Months, And Years Of Tiredness.
I used to go to bed very late and get up early, only to catch up on sleep at the weekend because I was so tired.
When I switched to having a good sleeping pattern and getting 8 hours of sleep per night, I noticed several benefits, such as:
Better workouts ( I was stronger).
I would be less irritable ( Lack of sleep causes an increase in your cortisol levels, which is your stress hormone). Getting enough sleep will prevent your body from spiking your cortisol levels; losing weight and being on a low-calorie diet can also spike cortisol levels.
I’m more productive and can generally work harder for longer and produce better content.
I don’t feel like binging on junk food. When you don’t get enough sleep, and your cortisol levels spike, you can stress eat a load of junk. When you get enough sleep, avoiding junk food binges is easier.
2. You Will Never Grow In Your Comfort Zone. Do Things That Scare You, And Your Life Will Improve. Conquer Your Fears.
I used to be a bit of a pussy, and I still am sometimes when it comes to some things (giant spiders).
Nevertheless, I used to depend so much on my parents for many things, such as:
Food.
Cleaning my clothes.
Doing chores around the house and many more things.
Three years ago, I moved into my house, and everything was my responsibility.
Yes, taking responsibility is scary.
But taking responsibility means you’re in the driving seat.
And it’s better to be in control of your destiny than not.
This is just one example of going out of my comfort zone.
Some other things that I’ve done which have helped me escape my comfort zone are:
I worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken as a young adult. I’ve always been a relatively quiet person—not the quietest in the room, but one of them. So, being in a customer-facing role really helped me improve my confidence in myself. It made me feel confident talking to anyone.
Becoming a volunteer police officer- This role made me massively go out of my comfort zone. In this role, I had to arrest people and go to domestic and other violent incidents. The scary but exciting thing about this role is that you never know how your day will pan out. You might start your shift at 8 am and then get a call where you go on a blue light run, and you never know how bad the situation will be until you arrive. Thankfully, most of the situations police officers deal with are manageable.
Going on a solo trip to Rome – Last week, I went on a trip to Rome for 5 days. It was amazing. I saw the Colosseum, Pantheon, Vatican and more. It’s my favourite city to date. I recommend that everyone goes there at some point in their life. With me being on a solo trip, everything was my responsibility. I needed to learn bits of Italian to speak to locals, I had to learn how to use the local bus service, and it was up to me to maximise the experience, and I did. The benefit of going on a solo holiday is that you can do precisely what you want. You don’t have to follow someone else’s itinerary. It’s up to you completely. Although I did do a bit too much walking on the last day ( 35k steps), I was limping around the airport like an idiot on the way home due to hurting my little toe from all the walking.
3. Spend More Time Choosing Your House. It’s A Massive Decision.
I moved out of my parents’ house three years ago and into my own. I made the mistake of not getting a thorough survey done, which meant I had to pay to get some work done on my roof due to a leak. I also believe I could have found somewhere better. I do like my home, but I feel like if I had been a bit more patient and diligent, I could have found a more suitable home.
4. Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Spouse.
In the past 2 years, I’ve had two relationships lasting a year each. And after my last break-up, I felt terrible. My problem was getting with pretty much the first person I was dating. Now, I’ll likely have to date several people before finding the one because, as a rule of thumb, most people won’t be compatible with you or me. I’m okay being single for now. I don’t want to force anything. But by being in two relationships I should have never been in, I wasted a lot of time and energy, and I lost myself in those relationships. I changed my personality to appease the women I had. Your partner should accept you for who you are or break up with you. You should never have to change yourself for someone else. If someone tries to change you, I’m sorry to say they do not want you. They want someone else.
5. Travel When You Are Fit, Healthy, And Young. It’s Much Better To Do It Before Your Body Inevitably Fails.
How many people do you know who never made it to retirement? I can think of quite a few people off the top of my head.
Many people wait for the perfect moment to travel or insert any other experience.
Travelling is best when you’re healthy and have plenty of youth. It’s better to travel in your youth to middle age than when you’re on a mobility scooter.
6. Don’t Lift Too Much Weight In The Gym. It’s Not Worth Getting Injured.
For a year, I had chronic wrist pain and was probably the most stressed I’d ever been in my life. I tried everything to fix my wrist for a year, but nothing helped. Luckily, I saw a highly experienced surgeon, and he surgically repaired the cartilage in my wrist. I’ve learned that no one cares how big and strong you are, and even if a small percentage do, I’d rather have my health than have hundreds of kilograms of weight on my back. The primary reason to lift weights is to get healthy. In my opinion, when health gets forgotten about, that’s when bad things start to happen. The stats show that 1 million people are on steroids in the United Kingdom. That’s one million people destroying their bodies for “aesthetics” (looks)
7. Pursue A Meaningful, Not Expedient, Career.
As my day job, I work in financial services, but my goal is to become a writer as well. I am happy in my role and enjoy it (it is the best job I’ve ever had and allows me to explore my passions outside work). I love writing even if I don’t get paid because it allows me to connect with and help others with my content. Nothing bad can happen from taking up writing. And if you haven’t tried it, I recommend you try it and see if you enjoy it. I love to read, so writing seems natural to me. Reading and writing provide my life with a tremendous amount of meaning. What is something that you’ve always fancied having a go at? It might be writing, making videos, farming or whatever tickles your fancy; there are infinite options. Choose wisely.
8. I Should’ve Started Reading And Writing Earlier In Life. By Doing So, I Would’ve Become A Better Communicator And Helped More People.
I’ve always read somewhat but only really got deeply into reading and writing in the past 10 years. I’ve written on and off for the past few years, but I aim to be more consistent from now on.
What Things Have You Learned The Hard Way?
I’d like to know.
For more content like this, subscribe to my newsletter by clicking here.
From experience, I’ve noticed that there is an unhealthy and healthy way to get over someone you love.
After my previous relationship ended, I deliberately avoided getting back into another relationship too soon.
And I’m still single.
There’s a reason for this.
If you’re getting into a relationship with someone to mask your feelings of loneliness and rejection, you’re getting with that person for the wrong reasons.
If they are the only reasons you get with someone, the relationship has no legs to stand on and will ultimately end ( and it will probably end badly, as most relationships do).
Instead, after breaking up with someone you love, work on being happy alone again. Then, when you’re ready for a relationship, be very picky about who you choose, only picking compatible potential partners.
I’m talking about partners who have a similar worldview and values to you, who you genuinely get on well with, someone who you’re 100% genuinely in to for their own sake.
My problem was that in my previous relationship, I only got with her because my ex before her broke up with me, and I felt insecure and like I wasn’t enough.
So I got with my ex to cover up this emotional hole, so to speak.
The only person who could cover up that emotional hole was myself.
So, the first takeaway is to give yourself time to process the feelings of the breakup and not get into a relationship with anyone immediately.
Secondly, use that time to find yourself, be the best version of yourself, and pursue your hobbies and curiosities. You’re single now. Pursue that freedom with zeal, and enjoy it.
Be very picky when you choose a spouse. If you’re with the wrong spouse, it can destroy your life. This is the most critical decision you ever make.
Spend time with friends and family and, most importantly, have fun and laugh. Now, no one is killing your vibe.
Determine your ideal partner and consider what type of man/woman you must become to attract that spouse.
Then, get to work on being that type of person.
Some hobbies that helped me get over my past relationships are :
Reading.
Writing.
Working out.
Going on walks.
Playing chess.
Meeting up for coffee and going on walks with friends.
Watching TV.
Cooking.
Playing video games.
Spending time with friends and family.
Taking on more responsibility at work.
Cleaning my house.
When you break up with someone, your ex leaves a vacuum in your life.
From experience, the primary way to get over your ex and fill that vacuum is to fill your time with hobbies and pursue worthwhile things.
And when you find the right person.
Try not to change yourself too much.
I know I’ve changed myself far too much in some relationships.
To not try is to live authentically, tap into the energies of your soul and pursue a life you truly want.
Please don’t do things for praise or esteem; we need to do things because we’re internally driven to do them. If we’re internally driven, we’re far more likely to succeed.
Think with your heart over your mind. Your heart tells you the truth. Get in touch with your intuition.
Don’t Try.
The late Charles Bukowski wrote many books, including Post Office and Ham on Rye.
Throughout his life he worked mediocre jobs but always wanted to become a writer.
It took him decades to get a book published.
But throughout his life he consistently would sit down and write.
His secret was the fact that he didn’t try.
Charles lead his life by following the don’t try mantra.
So much so that he had the words “don’t try” put on his headstone.
I believe the secret to life is not to try.
It’s the ultimate truth.
It doesn’t mean we need to be lazy.
It means we must live authentically and pursue lives we’re drawn to.
Take writing, for instance. I love it and always feel better after writing.
I don’t get paid for it; I do it out of love.
Or, take working out. I always feel great afterwards, and I do it for its own sake. I never have to try.
This advice isn’t easy to follow primarily because we live in a materialistic culture seeped in philistinism.
We’re told to keep up with the Joneses, make more money, get a better car, and max out our credit cards.
Last year, I lived a life I hated. I compared myself to others and tried to improve my status in the hierarchy.
At the expense of my own happiness.
What happened was I killed myself doing overtime, gave all my time to a girlfriend who didn’t care about me and above all, I was trying extremely hard for nothing.
When we try at life, we’re trying for someone else dreams, not our own.
If we truly love something and want our lives to be a certain way, we’ll naturally gravitate towards what we want out of life.
But the biggest thing I want you to take away from this is:
Whatever you do, don’t get in your own way.
Life is very easy, but our minds make it more complicated.
In reality we need to get in touch with our true selves.
And then life won’t feel like an uphill battle. Because when we love our lives, we don’t try.
Why would you try to love your life?
You either love it or you don’t.
And trying makes you aim for something external. Something false.
The truth of life:
We need to live a life we love so much that if someone forced us to live our lives, we’d bite their hand off.
Below is a picture of Charles Bukowski’s “ don’t try” headstone.
Think With Your Heart More Than Your Head
In the book Man In Search Of A Soul By Carl Jung, he writes about a time he spoke with the Pueblo Indians, and they told him that:
“Americans were mad because they believed their thoughts were in their heads, whereas any sensible man knows that he thinks with his heart”.
To not try means to be in touch with our intuitions, our hearts, and God.
The Concept Of Dukkha
In Buddhism, Dukkha is the concept of dissatisfaction, suffering, or imperfection.
It’s a natural part of life.
And it arises in the mind.
You and I will experience Dukkha.
But if we can think with our hearts rather than our minds and be in touch with our authentic selves.
Then, we can limit the amount of Dukkha we experience.
But whatever you do, don’t get caught in your mind.
Detach.
And embrace Bukowski’s don’t try philosophy.
Start today.
Takeaways:
To not try is to live authentically, tap into the energies of your soul and pursue a life you truly want.
Please don’t do things for praise or esteem; we need to do things because we’re internally driven to do them. If we’re internally driven, we’re far more likely to succeed.
Think with your heart over your mind. Your heart tells you the truth. Get in touch with your intuition.
henrypaget.com 