We need to be aware of specific laws of human nature because not being aware of them can cause us problems.
Human nature can be ugly. But it can also be used to our advantage.
The first step is awareness.
Here are the 18 laws: in brackets is my description of the laws.
- Master your emotional self (develop emotional intelligence).
- Transform self-love into empathy ( Get into the minds of others).
- See through people’s masks (look beyond the surface). ( A kitchen may seem tidy, but the cupboards can be a mess. First impressions can be misleading).
- Determine the strength of people’s character ( how they respond in difficult times is a good way to test their character).
- Become an Elusive object to desire.
- Elevate your perspective ( be objective and see things how they are).
- Soften people’s resistance by confirming their self-opinion.
- Change your circumstances by changing your attitude (mindset is everything).
- Confront your dark side.
- Beware the fragile ego.
- Know your limits.
- Reconnect to the masculine or feminine within you.
- Advance with a sense of purpose (know where you’re going).
- Resist the downward pull of the group (beware of the crabs in the bucket mentality; the gravest sin a crab can make is to escape the bucket).
- Make them want to follow you (lead by example).
- See the hostility behind the friendly facade (beware of the Trojan horse).
- Seize the historical moment (exploit opportunities, the biggest of all being the internet).
- Meditate on our common mortality (realise deeply that you can die at any moment and let this thought push you to squeeze the juice out of life).
I will focus on the takeaways I’ve saved from the book that had the most significant impact on me.
1.”What if we could look deep inside and judge people’s character, avoiding the bad hires and personal relationships that cause us so much emotional damage?”
Robert talks about the fact that people have two sides to them: their true selves and the facade they want to show you. Because most people seem pleasant at first, they say all the right things.
Anyone can put on a facade. We need to judge a person’s character deeply before getting involved with them romantically or professionally.
In my last relationship, my ex seemed amazing at first. She knew exactly what to say to get me on her side. I should have seen the red flags when she said she loved me more than anything after two weeks. No one falls for someone this easily. She only showed me affection and gave me words of affirmation because she knew that I’d like it. In essence, she did it to influence me. She wasn’t honest at all about what she was saying. She loved bombed me.
The love bombing got worse, and I was slowly manipulated even more to the point I was with her almost 24/7, and she would be upset if I said I wanted my own space. She even tried to stop me from going out with my friends. The relationship ended badly, but it was the best thing that could have happened, although it caused a lot of pain and suffering.
All of the pain and suffering could have been avoided if I had really tried to judge her character before getting intimate with her.
So my takeaway is this: Be very careful who you choose to spend your life with or who you hire (especially for a highly responsible role). Choosing the right person has a huge upside, but choosing the wrong person can be detrimental.
2. “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels … I myself become the wounded person.” –Walt Whitman
It is human nature to be narcissistic and self-centred. But what’s the best response to this? To turn that into empathy for others, focus on helping others instead of only yourself.
That’s why I write and give to charity.
Helping others is the primary reason we’re on this earth, in my opinion.
We need to see things from others’ points of view and empathise with them.
It’s the most human thing to do.
Recently, I started going to therapy.
My therapist listened. She deeply understood where I was coming from and how abnormal some of the things I dealt with growing up were.
One example of this was the fact that my mum had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since I was three to when I was a teenager, and I always found it challenging to get to grips with (being without a mother for a long period during my formative years, although I still love my mum a lot and know she couldn’t help it).
My therapist empathised with me; it was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.
I felt recognised and heard.
A good friend can also do this. I do have some friends with whom I can discuss these issues.
The key is to love your neighbour like yourself.
I recommend everyone try therapy to see if it helps them; it definitely helps me. I may write an article about therapy at some point.
3. “At last I have what I wanted. Am I happy? Not really. But what’s missing? My soul no longer has that piquant activity conferred by desire … Oh, we shouldn’t delude ourselves—pleasure isn’t in the fulfillment, but in the pursuit. “—Pierre-Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais
Whatever goal we choose, we must be internally motivated to achieve it. For example, I mostly read and write only about things that interest me, and that could help others.
I don’t pursue things that bore me. Otherwise, it would be impossible to pursue them.
I like Charles Bukowski’s advice on this. He says that to be a good writer, you shouldn’t have to try.
And I understand what he means.
By the same token, procrastination so often demonised can be helpful.
When we procrastinate, our bodies and minds tell us to stay away from things that bore us.
We need to listen to ourselves. Don’t bypass what your body and mind are trying to tell you.
Suppose we pursue what we are interested in out of curiosity and enjoyment. In that case, no matter how successful or unsuccessful we are in the pursuit, it won’t matter because we’ll have found enjoyment in it.
For many people, writing is a chore.
But for me, writing and reading are their own rewards.
4.”With relationships, we can spend our life searching for the perfect man or woman and end up largely alone. There is nobody perfect. Instead, it is better to come to terms with the flaws of the other person and accept them or even find some charm in their weaknesses.”
As I’ve already mentioned, choosing the right spouse is extremely important.
But remember, we’re all deeply flawed individuals.
You and I have our faults, as will our spouse or future spouse.
The key is to determine what we’re willing to put up with.
If someone has a goofy nature that some look down upon but you think is quite sweet, great.
It is better to look for the good in every person.
But some things are completely unacceptable.
i.e. emotional and physical abuse.
Sorry to state the obvious.
5. “In the end what you really must covet is a deeper relationship to reality, which will bring you calmness, focus, and practical powers to alter what it is possible to alter.”
It’s essential to deal with the world as it is rather than how you want it to be.
Maybe things haven’t gone your way in the past, and you resent the world for it.
Sometimes, I ponder on how I wish things were different.
But it’s not practical to think like this.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
This is the best way to approach life.
6. “The years teach much which the days never know.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
What skill do you want to master? Maybe it’s writing, maybe it’s powerlifting, maybe it’s playing an instrument, or even becoming a Grandmaster at chess.
You won’t achieve anything in a matter of days, but progress is almost certain in years and decades.
Some other quotes that I made notes of:
“On dealing with people with a hostile attitude- In dealing with the extremes of this type, struggle as best you can to not respond with the antagonism they expect. Maintain your neutrality. This will confound them and temporarily put a stop to the game they are playing.”
When we react, we relinquish power. When we maintain self-control, we are most powerful.
“The best way to handle recurrent depression is to channel your energies into work, especially the arts. You are used to withdrawing and being alone; use such time to tap into your unconscious. Externalise your unusual sensitivity and your dark feelings into the work itself.”
Expression is the opposite of depression.
“You do not need to be so humble and self-effacing in this world. Such humility is not a virtue but is rather a value that people promote to help keep you down. Whatever you are doing now, you are in fact capable of much more, and by thinking that, you will create a very different dynamic.”
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